I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
