I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
