I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
