Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
