its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
