I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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