it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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