But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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