I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
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