I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize