I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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