Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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