im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
