I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
