I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
