I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
