All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Betty ford says i'm here all night
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
