In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
