Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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