peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just threw up on my dentist
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
