spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
