so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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