I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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