I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i think my mom watched the whole time
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It's shark week go big or go home
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
