WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
