At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
