I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
