I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
