k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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