Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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