I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
