Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
