I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
