thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
