I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
