Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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