So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
