At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
