were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
