Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize