I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
