You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
