One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
