I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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