the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
