I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
