Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
