He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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