and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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