im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
