see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize