My cat gives me a boner
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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