Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
As shirtless as possible
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
