my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
