Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
