TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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