Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Even my vagina gasped.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
